The Decking of the Hallows

Deck the halls with pine and silver fir scented candles
in study glass jars that clink together
when we do our morning exercises,
shivering then sweating in front of the furnace.

Deck the garage with boxes still packed,
the kitchen stove with snickerdoodle dust,
the recycling bin with pinot noir empties
from the less than $20 shelf.

Deck the tree with action figures and trading cards
and deck the deck with native succulents.

Deck the library with fingertip-smashed silverfish
and a fresh black frame
for a Fitzergerald summation of love everlasting.

Deck my earlobes and collarbones with costume jewelry
that didn't make the cut for our wedding
but put in an appearance at the company holiday party.

Deck the bed with slippered toes that slip back in,
with sheets still warm and your cheek on mine

is flushed and rough.

Deck the nights with short stark whispers,
the mornings with strong espresso and imprecise kisses,
and the weekends with catching up and falling back.

Deck the entire next year of our life
with planning the rest of our life,
but deck the hallowed moments
with the hollow at the base of your throat
where I swear God meant my lips to land
when he sculpted the length of my legs.

Deck the winter air

with laughter at the squirrels outside our bedroom window,

with the reminder I love you that ping-pongs between us,

and with the scents of fir trees and Fitzgeralds and furnaces.

Things that are Luxurious

Cloth napkins.

Ceremonial grade matcha.

Extra time stretching after a workout.

Long hair.

Multi-course meals.

Full-fat canned coconut milk.

Ripe strawberries.

Creamy soups.

New sweaters.

Tawny port.

Burning more than one scented candle at a time.

A large glass of ice water.

A drizzle of olive oil.

Staying up late to read another chapter.

Baths together.

Swimming slowly in the dark.

Shopping at the farmers market and stopping at every stall.

An extra scoop of tea and a shorter steeping.

A walk after lunch before going back to work.

Chewing slowing.

Beethoven in the afternoon while you do chores.

An extra blanket at the foot of the bed.

Two goodbye kisses instead of one.

Future Careers I'd Like to Have

In case you've were out of the loop during any of my self-reinventions in the past eight years, my post-college career path, in summary, has looked like this:

- At age 20, I graduated college and became a publicist at a non-profit political think tank by telling my interviewer/future boss, "Basically, I'm an anarchist," and strategically name-dropping until she was duly impressed.

- Not quite a year later, I quit that job, went to grad school and obtained part-time employment for three years as a debate coach at a private high school where I also taught economics, American government, writing, and yearbook. I also helped edit a book, worked for a couple different tutoring agencies, and was a TA for my favorite professor.

- I graduated with my Economics M.A, didn't want to teach anymore but didn't know what to do with myself, so I joined the gig economy as a professional grocery shopper for several months. This left me with a prodigiously large number on my Subaru's odometer, skin damage from not realizing that car windows don't equate with sunscreen, and an overly-intimate knowledge of every Safeway, Whole Foods, Costco, and Bianchini's Market between San Francisco and San Jose.

- I then found a job as a Business Development Representative (an entry-level sales peon who doesn't actually get to sell things) at a software company, because I told them that I could be very persuasive, which I guess persuaded them to hire me.

- A year later, I promoted myself by switching companies and becoming an Account Executive (actually selling things now!) at a different software company.

- Fast forward about 14 months, and I told my new company that either I was leaving or they could find a different job for me and pay me more money, because sales was not for me (too stressful, too much social drinking, too little money in the "bad" months). Fortunately, I said this nicely enough that "the leadership" agreed to my demands (*ahem* requests), and I became a "Senior Small-Medium Business Customer Success Manager", which basically means that when people are unhappy with our software, I make them happy again, either by telling them that they don't actually want what they think they desperately need, or by telling them that they just didn't know where to click, and please let me know if I can help with anything else. Sometimes I also do some actual business consulting, which is what my job is supposed to be. Mostly, people just don't know where to click, and I point them to the right buttons. I also do things that aren't my job, including being on the Company Newsletter Committee (my first committee!), submitting frequent Office Supply Requests for items like organic extra virgin olive oil and double-walled espresso cups, beta testing new product features, and coming up with punny names for company-wide meetings.

So, I work "in the cloud" and my job is helping people. Essentially, the way I see it, I am a low-grade superhero who is a member of an elite group of technology-enabled telepathic businesspeople. I get to live in one of the most affluent and interesting metropolitan areas in the country, and my office has an endless supply of La Croix and peanut butter pretzel nuggets. Overall, I feel pretty content right now with my current career.

That said...

There are other careers that I'd like to have, either in this life, or in a future/fantasy life, and I thought I'd share a few:

- Teahouse Bookstore Matron. This would be a very distinct profession from being an Owner, Manager, or anything of that sort. A Matron, specifically, is somebody who has the following responsibilities in the proposed Teahouse Bookstore establishment:

• Wearing stylishly eclectic outfits which aren't necessarily conducive to serving tea or shelving boxes of books, such that I have to hold my billowing sleeves aside as I pour the Darjeeling, and must hike my voluminous, tasseled skirt a few inches as I precariously climb the bookshelf ladder to reach an out-of-print volume for a venerable customer, who will comment sociably on the pleasant, musical jangle of my jewelry as I then descend from the stacks and hand him the dusty hardback.
• Making bread from scratch daily that fills the aisles with odors of bakers yeast, dried fruit, cinnamon, and going home for the holidays; slicing this fresh, warm bread ceremoniously and serving it with dark, sticky blackberry jam and an affectionate smile, even for strangers.
• Providing seasonable reading recommendations for eccentric poetry and novels, polarizing tea blends, and artisanal bookmarks, these morsels of wisdom being usually unsolicited but always deeply appreciated and immediately adopted.
• Insisting that hats, coats, umbrellas, and other weatherly concerns are left at the door, where I will have provided a vintage and delightfully wabi sabi hat/coat/umbrella rack, to which I shall gesture with aplomb and regularity throughout the months of October to April.
• Speaking in a whisper unless I am discussing Emily Brontë, John Keats, Rainer Maria Rilke, Kurt Vonnegut, or Patrick Rothfuss, during which times my voice will swell noticeably with a lusty fervor.
• Leading Children's Story Hour, which will be religiously attended by kids of all ages, yes, but also by hipsters now in middle age, including those who are childless and just really miss having no responsibilities (or pretending they didn't) like they did in their 20s.

- Life Consultant. This would be a job similar to a Life Coach, but with fewer pep talks and touchy-feely, and more straightforward recommendations and "harsh reality," where people would pay me to have an opinion (and write reports) on what they should do to improve their lives. This would start with a free consultation in which I'd ask questions like "Do you make your bed every morning?" and "When was the last time you read an actual book?" I would then charge them a lot of money for salient remarks such as "Wow, your bathroom is disgusting and you should clean it immediately, and then you'll feel a lot better about your lack of motivation in other areas of your life." and "I really can't work with you unless you are willing to stop poisoning your body and start eating vegetables." I would then wrap up the consulting sessions with advice like "I want you to tell your overbearing mother at least two things this week that she won't like to hear, but that are essentially harmless and reinforce the concept that you are an adult with valid opinions who is capable of making independent lifestyle decisions." and "I'm sorry--You are afraid of what? Okay, please go do that scary thing five times this week." I would be paid handsomely per hour, and would offer sessions focused on personal organization, how to grocery shop properly, how to cook without recipes, how to be more awesome at your job, how to "self-parent", unusual weight loss tactics, what to read next, date night ideas, what to buy your relatives for Christmas, developing non-digital hobbies, optimizing living room furniture arrangement, etiquette and conversational skills, finding free food, and stratetically dealing with customer service representatives in order to get what you want. I think I'd be great at this, and I am quite seriously considering getting some business cards printed, just in case I stumble across a hapless future client for my Life Consultancy business.

- Personal Vegan Chef. This is basically what it sounds like. I'd like to find a very large family, with gourmandizing parents and at least seven children, to hire me as their in-home chef. I would cook them multi-course suppers several days a week, help them host dinner parties, bake holiday treats, teach the kids how to cook, pack pretty little vegan bento boxes for school lunches, and serve healthy breakfasts and adorably clever after-school snacks. I imagine doing this on a nurse's schedule: 3-4 days per week with very long hours, with several full days off each week mixed in.

- Poet/Bard/Minstrel/Troubadour. (Did you know that a female troubadour is usually called a trobairitz?) I would like to professionally play with words, music, and stories, and perhaps myself be immortalized by the same. Wardrobe selection would be much the same as imagined above in the role of Teahouse Bookstore Matron, with the obvious additions of a lyre, a lute, and of course a pan flute.

Honorable Mentions: professional hair braider, Renaissance Faire vendor/re-enactor, interior decorator of tiny houses, novelist, guru, tour guide (the kind for weeklong trips to multiple destinations, not the museum kind), private pilot, motivational speaker, restaurateur, POTUS.

Roasted Grape and Dijon Avocado Sandwich

I found an incredible idea on Lifehacker the other day that has completely changed my relationship with mushy grapes (and, potentially, all mushy fruit--stay tuned). It turns out that grapes can be roasted, and that mushy, almost-too-old-but-I-feel-guilty-about-tossing-them grapes are the perfect candidates for roasting. I've tried this twice now, once with coconut oil, and once with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Both times, I've loved the outcome, and they make our apartment smell incredible. Since I don't eat cheese and haven't had any crackers in the cupboard, I've just been snacking on them.

Then, a couple nights ago, in a flash of insanity and divine inspiration (same thing?) I added some to a toasted avocado sandwich, thinking that roasted grapes are kind of like jelly, and avocado is kind of like peanut butter, so maybe it would work. Well, it did. It was possibly the best sandwich I've ever eaten. (I'm not going to definitively saddle it with the superlative, though, because I've had far too many very good sandwiches.)

This sandwich is so many good things: toasty, fresh, creamy, sweet, and a little spicy. I've always been a huge fan of cranberry sauce on sandwiches, and this has a similar feel. So, here is my recipe for the best, weirdest sandwich I've ever made:

Roasted Grape and Dijon Avocado Sandwich

Ingredients:
2 freshly toasted slices of sandwich bread
1/2 avocado, sliced
1/2 tbsp dijon mustard (or to taste)
1/2 tbsp mayo (or to taste)
1-2 tbsp hummus
2 leaves romaine lettuce, washed and cut to sandwich-sized pieces
1/4 cup alfalfa sprouts
1/4 cup roasted grapes (RECIPE HERE), cut into halves
salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:
Toast your bread, then quickly assemble the sandwich in the following order: Spread the dijon and mayo on one slice of toast, then add the avocado slices, salt and pepper, sprouts, grapes, and romaine. Spread the hummus on the other slice of toast to finish the sandwich.

As an alternative if you have a particularly ripe avocado, first mash the avocado in a bowl together with the dijon and mayo, and spread directly onto the toast. Guacamole can be substituted for whole avocado.

I imagine this recipe would work well as a toasted panino with the addition of provolone, smoked Gouda, or possibly Havarti, but in that case I would leave out the romaine.

What I Read: September 2017

The Body Artist
Written by: Don DeLillo
How I read it: Paperback
Why I read it: I felt drawn to it in a used bookstore and then realized that I've seen a movie based on another DeLillo book, Cosmopolis, and the movie was so atmospheric, grim, and surreal that I figured I'd find the same in his writing, which appealed to me.
One-sentence review: I'm not sure what to say about this novella, other than it is short, ungrammatical in an acceptable way, unsettling and eerie, beautiful at times, and made me feel sad.
My rating: 4/5 ghosts

On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Written by: Stephen King
Narrated by: Stephen King (so wonderful to hear him talk about his childhood in his own voice)
How I read it: OverDrive Audiobook
Why I read it: I've been thinking lately how much I'd like to be a professional writer, and a couple different friends have mentioned liking this book. Plus, I've never read a Stephen King book, but I figured someday I should, and this was the only one that appealed to me.
One-sentence review: This book made me want to write more, read more, and live more bravely, so I think that makes it a worthwhile read.
My rating: 5/5 rejection letters

Ajax Penumbra 1969
Written by: Robin Sloan
Narrated by: Ari Fliakos
How I read it: OverDrive Audiobook
Why I read it: Because I always try to read the prequel before the original.
One-sentence review: This is a fun little backstory that provides sentimental flavor for some of the less likable characters in Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore, and it is an enjoyable mini-mystery in its own right.
My rating: 5/5 buried ships

Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore
Written by: Robin Sloan
Narrated by: Ari Fliakos (One of the best, most talented narrators I've come across. He was perfect for this role, and I loved this book extra because of what Ari gave to the story.)
How I read it: OverDrive Audiobook (Quick note: besides the fabulous narration, it is especially appropriate to listen to this book, for reasons you'll discover if you do so.)
Why I read it: Because every literary-themed blog I follow recommends this book, and it keeps coming up in every "Recommended Reads" list in my life, so I finally gave in.
One-sentence review: "YES YES YES READ THIS NOW" is what I am thinking right now, because this book is everything wonderful about books, about people who love books, about the delightful and inspiring spaces where books live, and about the future of books and the technology that allows us to preserve and appreciate stories in new ways.
My rating: 5/5 secret societies

Walking
Written by: Henry David Thoreau
How I read it: Paperback
Why I read it: I hadn't had any Thoreau in my life in a while and I missed him. He was my friend who kept me from loneliness when I moved out of my parents' house and into my own apartment when I was 18. Also, I think I read this back in high school for English class, or at least a selection of it, but couldn't quite remember whether I had ever fully enjoyed it.
One-sentence review: I'm not sure I agree with Thoreau that "all good things are wild and free" but I absolutely believe that it is good to be free and beautiful to be wild, and this book made me feel that I am, or can be, both of those things.
My rating: 5/5 saunterers

Six Things I Truly, Deeply Love

Sitting at my kitchen table reading a recipe in a large glossy book with hunger-pang-inducing photos, and then cooking something completely different but my husband likes it and the fridge where I scavenge is closer and cheaper than the supermarket where the real ingredients live.

Being completely underwater, especially naked, during daylight watching my hair splay out in a sinuous spherical tumult around me like fine blonde seaweed, or at night when the water is warm and better than the very best blanket.

Laying down on the carpet after standing up all day, and sensing my spine sigh gladly and expand horizontally like a cat waking and yawning.

When my friend said "That night made my soul glow!" and I knew exactly what she meant, because I had gone home that night feeling the love that an ex-orphan knows when they go home for Christmas to visit their eclectic adoptive parents with the insoluble memory of aloneness and step into the recurring experience of belonging.

Charlotte the Poodle when she comes inside hot with sunlight after lying on the patio passively guarding my mother's midday backyard, and I can bury my skin in her black curls and warm up against her while she patiently allows me the pleasure curling my body around hers.

When my hands are cold, but I can wrap them around a fresh cup of tea, and it nearly burns but at least it melts the icicles of my bones, and I dunk my face in the steam until the tea is cool enough to drink.

What I Believe: A Personal List of Values

Several years ago, I wrote a list of things I believe about the best way to live. At the time, I was reading numerous books and websites about personal development, health, habits, mindfulness, ethics, religion, and so on. I wanted to write a concise guide to myself that summarized some of the crucial ideas about living well and doing good that had become close to my heart and which I wanted to uphold in my daily life.

I occasionally modify this list, but it has largely remained unchanged since I first created it. It is a document I visit somewhat often, especially when I want to remind myself of who I want to be. It's not a comprehensive list of things I believe, and I think that its contents are a reflection of my areas for growth, rather than of my areas of expertise. (You may notice that there is nothing in this list about seeking justice, maintaining individuality, or speaking your mind--important values, but ones that historically haven't been much of a challenge for me.)

I also think that it reflects my deepest concerns about humanity and the way we treat each other. If I could direct a megaphone at the world, these are some of the things I would want to shout. If we all lived by these principles, we wouldn't go to war and kill each other, we wouldn't cruelly and needlessly slaughter billions of animals, and we wouldn't hate or ignore the people who truly need love. I guess you could call this my "Be the change" list, because these are the changes I want to see in the world, recognizing that the only person I can change is myself.

I am rather far away from being this person, but I think it is good to know the direction you intend to go if you want to get somewhere specific eventually.

This is my current "What I Believe" list:

1) Always strive to consistently and deliberately apply your beliefs and uphold your values when making any choice or taking any action, however insignificant or vital.

2) It is good to live peacefully. Do no harm.

3) Be loving. Practice empathy and altruism towards friends, enemies, and strangers. Develop your compassion and give it freely.

4) Treat all humans equally well. Don’t criticize, judge, or dismiss before you seek to understand.

5) Face reality, and take responsibility if you reasonably can. Hold yourself accountable before trying to change others. Blame can lie fully with more than one person.

6) Be of good humor and slow to anger and irritation. Have goodwill towards your fellow humans. Don’t act as though others intend to hurt you, and don’t be easily offended.

7) Choose a few creative hobbies to occupy your leisure time. Reading, writing, music, art, dancing, spending time in good company, playing tabletop games, sports, enjoying nature, learning languages, and science are good options. Exercise your mind, body, and soul frequently, and do so in ways that you enjoy.

8) Eat a healthy, seasonal, and locally-produced plant-based diet. Drink water.

9) Be genuine and tactfully honest with everyone you meet. Listen more than you talk, and talk about things that matter. Things most worth saying are both kind and true.

10) Be honorable both in your actions and in your intentions. 

11) A good decision considers what is best, not just what is right.

12) Take action on your plans as soon as you reasonably can and should. Procrastination is a vice.

13) Be patient and calm. Practice mindfulness. Be present.

14) In all of the above, strive for excellence, consistency, and authenticity.

If you've never written a list like this, I'd encourage you to do so. How do you want to be in the world? What's on your list?

What I Read: August 2017

Today I bring you the first installment of "What I Read," a compilation of mini-reviews of all the books I finished this month.

The Martian
Written by: Andy Weir
Narrated by: R. C. Bray (not my favorite narrator, but okay for the part and very enthusiastic)
How I read it: Audible audiobook
Why I read it: The movie is supposed to be great (it was!) so I wanted to read the book first.
One-sentence review: I loved this book for the reason that I usually love hard science fiction--it felt like a travelogue written just slightly in the future, and I kept forgetting it wasn't a true story.
My rating: 5/5 potatoes

Artemis Fowl
Written by: Eoin Colfer
How I read it: paperback
Why I read it: My husband recommended it as a fun, lightweight YA novel, perfect for our summer road trip.
One-sentence review: If you like fart jokes and the idea of an amoral, prepubescent James Bond blackmailing fairies, you will like this book.
My rating: 4/5 cheeseballs

Me, Myself, and Us: The Science of Personality and the Art of Well-Being
Written by: Brian R. Little, Ph.D.
Narrated by: Patrick Lawlor (a totally inappropriate choice of narrator, who made me wish I had read instead of listened)
How I read it: Audible audiobook
Why I read it: I saw it recommended somewhere on the internet, and studying the intersection of well-being and personality sounded interesting and useful. Plus, I liked that he isn't sold on the validity of the ever-popular Myers-Briggs personality typing.
One-sentence review: There are a lot of books about personality psychology you can read, and this one offers a slightly different perspective--but not that different.
My rating: 3/5 neuroses

Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic
Written by: Esther Perel
Narrated by: Esther Perel (beautiful voice, fascinating accent, excellent narrator)
How I read it: OverDrive audiobook
Why I read it: Because I recently got married, and growing up around a variety of sparkless marriages was depressing, so I've decided to do my research and take a pro-active, humble, and preventative approach to keeping things awesome.
One-sentence review: While I personally won't be taking some of her suggestions (like those about non-monogamy), I will certainly be remembering her hilarious client stories and her unique insights about communication, sex, love, and romance in the context of a long-term relationship.
My rating: 5/5 date nights

The Earth Gods
Written by: Kahlil Gibran
How I read it: hardback, with original illustrations by the author
Why I read it: I was drinking tea with my husband, and it was the closest poetry within reach on our dining room bookshelf. (What, you don't have a dining room bookshelf?) Also because Gibran's The Prophet is wonderful, so I suspected this would be as well.
One-sentence review: This is a deeply beautiful book about earth and soul, beauty and despair, love and longing, and I'm not sure I "got it", but it will only take half an hour to read again.
My rating: 5/5 fields untrodden

How to Drink Tea

1. Earth
Plant a seed on a misty mountainside
then meditate for a long time
until the plant that grows from the soil
tells you it is ready.

2. Air
Take your basket of leaves to a good breathing place,
spread them beneath the sky,
and touch them with your palms
until they tell you they are warm.

3. Fire
Watch lightning bloom an ancient tree into a blazing pyre
and see beauty instead of death.
Collect the fire in your trembling hands
and carry it to safer ground.
Feed it slowly until it tells you it is full.

4. Water
Gather rain from a clean and shivering riverbed
in a pot that knows how to remain still.
Lay your warm and ready leaves inside the pot,
and lay the pot inside the flames.
Listen to the water
until it tells you it is laughing.

5. Soul
Drink until you become more earth than bone,
more air than breath,
more fire than ash,
more water than blood.
When your cup is empty, fill it
until it tells you it is no longer thirsty.

About This Blog

"Lolly" is a person, me. Also, it is a word for a candy, a small sweet.

"On the Margin" is the place where change occurs, where the significance of differences are determined, where decisions are made and actions are taken. It is the place where the unusual is essential, where the exception makes the rule, where the commonplace has no refuge, where the glare diffuses into a tender twilight in the borders between known things. The margin is the home of "why" and "how", and more importantly, "wow" and "now."

We all live on the margin, whether or not we choose it. Choosing to know that this is true allows us to live deliberately. The only option for existing authentically is to face reality, exactly as it is, moment by moment, and to confront what you find on the margin, whether in yourself or in the world, with bravery, hope, and love.

I would like to be lolly on the margin, to interact sweetly with the world when I touch it lightly, when I bump into strangers, when I leave a first impression. Deeper, though, I want to have substance. When you venture past my margins, I want you to find a richness, not something sugary that melts and crumbles, but something dense, strong, and lasting.